respite care

I just dropped off the baby this morning.   The baby we had in our home for the last 7 days.  On the same day that we are getting our foster license.  Things are moving so quickly around here, I feel like my head is spinning.  To say we are feeling a little overwhelmed right now would be an understatement.  I don't know how things got so crazy around here.

We went into foster-to-adopt wanting to adopt and start our family.  We talked to a friend of a friend that had gone through with it.  With the new house in the works, we knew it was something we wanted to do eventually, but really when the house was done.  The friend said we should get started right away because it would take a full year to get through the program.  Well here we are 4 months later and we are done.  Not quite what we were expecting.  All I know is we are not ready for this...yet.

We did respite care for the last 7 days.  That is when a foster family can't watch their foster child for whatever reason, for example, travel; and so they find another foster family who is able to watch the child for that short amount of time.  Basically 24-7 babysitting.  I think we got in a little over our heads.

Don't get me wrong, the baby that came to stay with us was amazing!  She was so smart and beautiful.  You would never guess she was in foster care, she adapted so well.  She came into our home, terrified of our dogs, and left with them as her best friends.  I think she will probably be looking for her "goggies" for awhile.  She learned to throw the ball for them, let them give her kisses, growl and bark like them.  Basically, it was the sweetest and most adorable thing I had ever seen.  If only I could show the pictures of this wonderful relationship.  But I can't because she is in foster care.

I think the experience was exactly what we needed, even though it was hard.  We needed a test run of some sort and this was the best way to start.  What we learned is that we want to start our own family...sometime.  But as first time parents, I'm not sure if this is for us.  A lot of "when we have kids..." came up.  But isn't this how we are supposed to "have" kids?  I'm not so sure anymore.

Our "baby" that came and went so quickly.  I have to say the most difficult part of the week was dropping her off today.  I thought for sure I'd be excited to have my house back to normal, which I do...kind of.  I dropped her off at daycare and they took her away so quickly, I didn't really even get to say goodbye.  She cried when she left me.  And I cried when I left her.  It's a strange feeling knowing I will never see her again.

So it's hard for me because I have a part of me that wants to help these kids, but I don't think I have it in me.  And I'm not mad at myself for it.  This just wasn't my thing.  Not that I don't love kids, and don't want some of my own eventually, because I so desperately do.  I did the nanny thing, and I did the babysitting thing.  I don't want to do that anymore.  And if we are being honest, that's exactly what that felt like, and really what it was, if you think about it.  

My passion for fostering is with dogs.  I don't know if that makes me a horrible person, that I would rather save dogs than kids.  But I can't help it.  It's just how I feel.  I know how to care for dogs, I mean after all, I do have 3 of them (and another that will always be in heart, my Luna).  I know how to train them and work with them.  It's what I love to do.

I will miss our "baby" and will miss our time together.  I keep hoping that she will remember us, which she probably won't because she is so young.  All I can hope for her is that she loves her life, and I hope we were a part in that.  I hope that she gets the life she deserves, and she deserves the world.

We will see how the next few months go.  We have a few months to decide what we want to do.  I just know this is how I feel right now, but it wasn't too long ago that I felt different.  Only time will tell.